[identity profile] brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] still_grrr
Title Cold Day in Hell
Author Brutti ma buoni
Rating Pg
Word Count 650
Prompt 237: Principal
Characters/Pairing (if any) Snyder/the Mayor-as-a-giant-demon-snake
A/N: created for [livejournal.com profile] knifeedgefic's request at Fall Fandom Free For All. Really, all her fault... Crack!fic, weirdly enough.




There's a special hell for bad principals. Turned out, it was the same one used for century-old-Mayors-who-try-to-become-true-demons-after-creating-towns-for-demons-to-feed-on.

So that worked out okay.

The thing was, Snyder had always really admired the Mayor, until the whole snake thing. He liked the way he smiled when people were stupid, which was often. His putting technique was admirable. And his attitude to germs was something Snyder could respect.

Snyder often felt the same way about students, but sadly there wasn't an antiseptic wipe you could use against humans. Unless… he noted that down on his Things to Investigate in Hell list. Hell probably had really good things to use against people it disliked.

Hell wasn't actually so bad, in Snyder's view. There were unruly students everywhere, and insufficient respect, but Snyder had got used to that on earth. And now he had Mayor Wilkins to tut with, he felt a little more relaxed about the whole thing. Tutting was great, when you had company. True, a giant demon snake tutting could cause minor earth tremors, but it was worthwhile.

Mayor Wilkins – Richard – tried to pretend he understood the feral little rats that infested Snyder's school of hell. "Heehee," he would chuckle, shaking the ground again with all his scaly magnificence. "Those wacky little kids. They give a world of trouble, don't they?" Sometimes, he'd eat a couple of them, just to show how cool he was with the whole situation. "Mmmm, crispy."

Snyder found that even more fun than the tutting. There were these crunchy sounds as the students were masticated that went right to his secret good places (the ones principals weren't supposed to have around students. But he was in hell, so how much worse could things get?). And he knew that under that sunny exterior, Richard was wishing the kids would fry slowly in oil and then get tipped down the garbage disposal of hell, just like Snyder was wishing it.

In many ways, Snyder felt he'd found a soulmate in Richard. But there were a couple of eensy flies in the ointment.

Firstly, the gay thing. Snyder in life had firmly disapproved of rainbow-touchy-feely-get-in-touch-with-your-true-self-and-find-happiness-and-liberation crap. Obviously. But now, that seemed to be the way his heart was tending. It was a little embarrassing. The students would mock him even more if they found out he had this soft spot for Richard.

Secondly, and if Snyder were honest with himself this was pretty much the real issue: giant demon snake. There were some pretty predictable problems there for even the most perfectly soul-bonded creatures. His eyes watered, just at the thought.

One day, Snyder couldn't wait any longer. "Sir… uh, Mr Mayor…"

The vast, earless ophidian head swung his way, chuckling. "How many times must I tell you to make it Richard? We're all equal in hell, Principal Snyder."

(That was a hint, right? Snyder hadn't used his first name in thirty years. He felt a little giddy at the idea of telling even Richard what it was. Later, maybe.)

"All right… Richard. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure you can," came the genial, gigantic response from many feet above his head.

"Why did you eat me?" It was kind of a big thing to Snyder. He'd done everything to support the Mayor. Okay, he might have been a little cross at the graduation mess, but that was just natural Principal instinct kicking in. And yet still he'd been among the Mayor's semi-digested victims before that awful girl finally managed to explode the magnificent demon he had become. That really put a crimp on any future relationship-building. Addressing it was just the responsible thing to do.

"Oh, Snyder," said Richard, with such a tone of warmth Snyder knew he wasn't imagining it, and he could feel his heart pitter-pattering in response. "I knew you'd taste the sweetest of all."

The gay thing? He'd deal. This was it for Snyder. And if there had been bluebirds in hell, they would have been singing right about now.


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